MM This Week in Fake News

(Since it’s all the rage, I thought I’d try my hand at some fake news. Everyone else is doing it, so if others can be blatant about their partisanship and make things up to fit their narrative, well, so can I! [don’t worry, next post will be ‘normal’])

In the United States of America, newly elected President Donald Trump continues to shock the political establishment. After announcing that he wishes to be referred to only as “The Trump” from now on, the President called on Congress to pass legislation taking the United States out of both NATO and the UN, which he said were “stupid” and “overrated” and promised to instead form a military and economic alliance with the United Kingdom and Canada which, he assured bewildered reporters, would be “yuge”. In a drastically unconventional move he also called on the United States to recognize Queen Elizabeth II as their monarch as a tribute to his late, royalist mother and because, “They speak English, we speak English. It makes sense. Except for Quebec, where they speak Spanish, which is weird but we’re gonna fix that. We have to. We don’t have a choice. We have to do it.” He also caused quite an uproar when he informed reporters that he had just sold Puerto Rico to the King of Spain for five dollars saying, “Trust me, this was a great deal. It’s just like when I got out of Atlantic City, I know when to cut bad assets loose.” He also said that, pending the outcome of the voter fraud investigation, he might be open to offers for California as well.

When asked for comment from the Spanish Ambassador, it was, in fact, confirmed that the King of Spain had paid five dollars for the return of Puerto Rico. Within hours of this revelation, Wikileaks released documents claiming that Puerto Rico was to be used as the staging area and jumping off point by the Spanish military for the invasion and re-conquest of Cuba. So far, the government in Madrid are refusing to comment on those allegations. The biggest news out of Europe, however, was the announcement by Queen Elizabeth II that she was dissolving the Westminster Parliament, the Scottish Parliament, the Welsh and Northern Ireland Assemblies and would be ruling in her own right for now. This caused an immediate uproar among the Members of Parliament but the military moved quickly to maintain law and order with a top British general saying in an official statement that their loyalty to the Crown came first. Immediately after making this announcement, the Queen also said that she would be dismissing most of the Governors General of the Commonwealth Realms and replacing them with members of the Royal Family. In Canada, Justin Trudeau was dismissed from office within hours by the current Governor General, again with the support of the army, though other major realms such as Australia have yet to take a firm position in response to these shocking events.

On the continent of Europe, a climate of bewilderment bordering on chaos has broken out in numerous countries. While on a state visit to Denmark, the President of Iceland was taken prisoner and is being held as a state hostage with a palace spokesman announcing that a naval task force of four frigates, originally thought to be taking Danish troops to Latvia for NATO exercises was instead approaching Iceland with the intention of regaining the “renegade republic” for the Danish Crown. The spokesman said that, so far, no resistance had been met and that they hoped this would be a peaceful occupation, adding that the President of Iceland is certainly hoping the same. This, of course, caused a significant uproar but was quickly overshadowed by even more startling news from Germany. While attending a reunion of his former Bundeswehr unit, Prince Georg Friedrich of Prussia, announced that Chancellor Angela Merkl had betrayed the German people and was not fit to hold office. He called upon members of the German armed forces to rally behind him in removing her from power, saying that Germany was currently in so critical of a situation that the normal methods for enacting political change had to be discarded. To the cheers of the assembled crowd, wearing his old army uniform, the Prince set out with them for Berlin and so far a number of German military units have deserted their posts to join him. Reporters tried to get a response to these events from the French president but he was reportedly unavailable for comment though loud wailing noises were being heard coming from Elysee Palace.

On the African continent, a meeting of leaders from the African Union made a startling announcement when they said, in a statement, that with corruption, civil wars and poverty still so rampant across the continent and their populations fleeing in record numbers, they had clearly made a mess of things since independence and have expressed their wish to call a “do over”. Some have spoken of seeking outside assistance while others have been discussing a return to a more traditional form of government. President Museveni of Uganda said he will be holding talks with Kabaka Muwenda Mutebi II of Buganda on how the governing system of the country might be reformed, Crown Prince Zera Yacob of Ethiopia denounced the ruling government and when his arrest was ordered, the police refused to carry it out and rumors of a coup of some sort are now rampant and in Rwanda the Prince Emmanuel Bushayija has also been asked to a meeting with President Paul Kagame to talk about ideas of national rejuvenation. In South Africa, Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini, asked if it was not time for the government of “perversion and corruption” under Jacob Zuma to go and there have been some rather large public demonstrations against the government in the last two days.

In the Middle East all focus has continued to be on the civil war in Syria and the effort to arrange a peace brokered by Russia with King Abdullah II of Jordan meeting with President Vladimir Putin on Wednesday. There has, however, been a call for civil disobedience in Iran made by Crown Prince Reza Pahlavi, son of the late Shah. He wrote a letter congratulating Donald Trump on his electoral victory and called for greater American and international support for Iranian dissidents who oppose the ruling Islamic Republican government. The Crown Prince said that the current Iranian government shows signs of fragmenting, suggesting that there could be an opportunity approaching. However, when asked about his own political aspirations, if he had, perhaps, any wish to become Shah of Iran, the Crown Prince said that his only goal was the liberation of his homeland and, after that happened, he would decide what to do next but added that he would be willing to serve the Iranian people in any capacity they chose. Of course, recent events in Europe and America could have a profound impact on how the international community responds to this situation.

This has been Fake News from The Mad Monarchist, all the news from around the world that is unfit to print.

(Be aware: the last paragraph was, in fact, NOT “fake news”, all the rest, however, is as fake as a broadcast by Bryan Williams or Dan Rather.)